Bernie's Beach House

I have fond memories of 'Weekend at Bernie's' (and its sequel), a completely bonkers franchise with, somehow, a tanned cadaver at the center of the whole ramshackle operation. In the original film, two desk jockeys are invited to their wealthy boss's beach house for a party, only to find themesleves covering up his death and parading his dead body around in pradictably slapstick fashion.

To me, there was a fair amount of social commentary present too. The upwardly mobile cabal of gallery-frequenting aesthetes, sociopathic executives, and freeloading arm candy was so high on booger sugar and preoccupied with status humping and gallivanting around the Hamptons that they didn’t even realize the guy in charge had drawers full of excrement and no pulse. They all probably had reservations at Dorsia that night too.

It's a perfectly apt vibe for the 1980s, and perhaps, Bernie's Hideaway in Port Aransas is too. Not only does it borrow its motif from the film series—replica Bernie Lomax and all—but it doesn't shy away from the music and decor of the era either. Walk in here and there's a good chance Def Leppard is cranked to 11 and the daytime regulars are putting a serious dent in the stockpile of Bacardi. This place fills up with smoke like a Pittsburgh steel mill. And you'll probably get better service from an IRS help line.

But the drinks are cheap, there's plenty of room, and supposedly this place fills up at night when it becomes the de facto Port A dance spot. After a long day of tanning, fishing, and dehydrating, it could be just the right place to make some new friends and familiar mistakes. Suck down enough cheap rum and it'll feel just like the Hamptons.

Standout online reviews:

"Just like the movie, this place is dead, but trying to make it seem lively."

"Place has its fair share of sketchy patrons, 18 year old kids, cougars out on the prowl, etc....but hey that's what made the place interesting and fun."

"There were more tools here than at Home Depot."

"I swear that I stepped into a version of the Spring Breaks I remember from my old college days."

"Oooohh!! My head hurts still."