Old Tomball Honky Tonk

A small bar is an ideal environment to make fast friends. The proximity forces people to interact with each other. Any conversation can take you along for a ride. It's like a pressure cooker; add enough personalities and booze, and it can quickly turn into a powder keg.

Case in point: one time, while at my local dive, I noticed a foursome walk in wearing black-tie formalwear. I quickly recognized one of them as a local restaurateur who had appeared on episodes of 'No Reservations' and 'The Layover' with Anthony Bourdain. Naturally, I bought a round and started chatting. Next thing I knew, I was in the back of a taxi cab, laying across their laps, en route to a James Beard Awards night afterparty. I was allowed in wearing my orange windbreaker, clearly at the peak of my powers and prestige.

I was kicked out 3 hours later, in the clutches of a Herculean intoxication. I had lost my phone and was performing an end-is-near tirade on the side of the road. "Look what God did to me!" I was ready for the grave.

I thought of that night after my visit to the Old Tomball Honky Tonk (aka Green Hall; aka The Smallest Little Honky Tonk in Texas) a secret, available-for-events joint in downtown Tomball. Right away, I knew this place was trouble. It's tiny, the size of a living room. Packed with collectibles, there's barely any place to move. Gig posters have taglines like "The last great shit show" and "Bring a friend, make an enemy." The stage is so close it needs a breath mint. This place doesn't need a bouncer; it needs a sheriff.

For now, that's owner and musician Michael Pierce (@cloudchiefandco), who was inspired to open the joint by his mom. She also ran a honky tonk back in the day and once booted Roy Orbison out because he wasn't "honky tonk enough." Asked whether he had any crazy stories to share since opening, he said, "Not any I can tell without incriminating us."

That's the right answer, according to my lawyer. It's what you say when you're up to shenanigans. And you can join in too, though you'll have to find it first and save a spot. It'll take some work, but the stories will be worth it. Just leave the windbreaker at home.